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Title: Need
Fandom: Being Human US
Pairing: Aidan/Josh, Aidan/Rebecca, mentioned past Aidan/Bishop
Rating: R
Word Count: 2,439
Summary: Josh hasn't had a relationship since he was cursed and he's not going to start now.
Spoilers: This takes place throughout episode four. If you haven't seen that episode yet, be warned.
Notes: Part of what I'm jokingly calling the "Sex With Josh Fixes Everything" Universe. Emphasis on the joking. Follows Newtonian, The Word of Your Body, and Compelling.



"What's the deal there, anyway?"

Josh fucking hates that question. Seriously, of everything in his life that he hates—and fuck does he hate a lot of it—the thing he hates the most is when people ask him to explain this thing with Aidan.

They're roommates. Best friends. And okay, sometimes they have sex and lately Aidan's been acting like he wants that to extend outside of the bedroom into being a real couple who like, kiss each other goodbye or hold hands on the sidewalk or something but for the most part, it is what it is and Josh doesn't like to think about it.

Thinking about it means dealing with it, dealing with it means figuring out how he really feels about Aidan, figuring that out means a fundamental change in his life—and the last one didn't work out for him too well—or losing his best friend.

Neither are options Josh wants to take. So instead he just tells Ray that Aidan is one of the good vampires. Because if Josh knows anything about his relationship with Aidan, it's that: Aidan is good.

Good for Josh.

***


"Stay. Please? Aidan? Please?"

Aidan doesn't know what makes him do it.

That's a lie, yes he does, he knows exactly why he rolls up his sleeve and lets Rebecca sink her fangs into him. He hates himself for the reason, but there you go: he knows it.

It's Josh.

Aidan needs him. He wants him, too, undeniably, wants to kiss him and fuck him and sometimes just sit side by side and see him smile. But there are days when it's hard, when he's itching for something primal to tear into, and the only thing that can keep him from falling off the wagon is Josh. He used to do it by sitting with Aidan, plying him with bags of blood from the hospital and distracting him with ridiculous conversation. Sometimes he still does it that way, but mostly now it's with his body, with the things Aidan always wants but only sometimes desperately needs. Sinking his cock into Josh's mouth slakes some of the pent-up need and as hard as Aidan tries to be careful and never once let Josh think he isn't grateful or doesn't care about him, Josh never complains if Aidan gets rough or needy or desperate.

But Josh doesn't need him. Aidan realizes it not even five minutes after he pushes Josh into coffee with Ray. Josh rejected the cage Aidan found for him and Ray held the key to relieving some of Josh's stress about transforming in the wild. Despite not even knowing him, Josh needed Ray more than he needed Aidan. Aidan still isn't sure Josh wants him, but he knows, right then, that Josh will never need Aidan the way Aidan needs Josh.

And he knows, not even a second later, that this will never work between them, not the way Aidan wants it to, because Aidan will always be asking for more than Josh can give. He'll always want Josh to be desperate and needy and to slam Aidan against a wall and fuck him raw because he just couldn't wait another second. Because he needed Aidan in the same way that Aidan needs him.

He blames Bishop for this; two hundred years of co-dependency built on mostly need but admittedly a fair share of want has fucked with his head and now Aidan can't settle for anything less than desperate, hungry desire.

So when Rebecca sinks to her knees and begs Aidan to stay, he rolls up his sleeve and lets her tear her fangs into him. Maybe Rebecca can be who Aidan goes to when he's falling off the wagon. Maybe they can help each other. Maybe they can fight and fuck and drink each other until they waste away.

"You know it felt good to bite into flesh," she says. "Drink until you can't see straight."

It's what makes Aidan's decision for him, what pushes him to keep trying with her above all the maybes. Because it did feel good and he can never do that with Josh. Blood is life and giving her some of his, letting Rebecca take some of his own, made him feel closer to her than Josh has ever let him be.

And no matter how many times Aidan makes Josh come until he sees stars, Josh will never be what Aidan wants, only what he needs.

***


"Someone got some stink last night."

It takes Josh a second to pull together what the hell that means—and then to have a necessary moment of disgust—before the excited, "Did you?" comes out of his mouth.

Which probably isn't the world's most appropriate reaction to finding out the guy you're fucking regularly is also fucking someone else, except yes it is, yes it so very is, because it means Josh is off the hook.

Josh knows Aidan and he knows that if Aidan actually thought this thing between them was anything more than just sex, he wouldn't have sex with someone else. Aidan's got a lot of faults and willpower isn't his strongest suit, but Josh knows in his gut that Aidan wouldn't do that if he thought this were real.

So Josh doesn't have to sit around thinking about his feelings and whether or not this thing between them needs some kind of name. It can stay as it is, being what it is, and Josh doesn’t have to deal with any of it.

Except now he wants to know who it was, and how, and why, and if Aidan wanted sex, why didn't he come to Josh? They have an agreement for this specific problem. If Aidan wants sex, Josh is there for him. They made an agreement and fine, it wasn't a contract written in blood or anything, but Aidan is violating it by having sex with other people.

And suddenly Josh doesn't care that he's going to have to think about what this means to him. At all. Because how dare Aidan bring someone else into this? So fine, whatever. Josh can do that, too. Ray can move in and Aidan can just deal with that.

Aidan can have sex with whoever it is all he wants because he's not getting it from Josh anymore.

Josh hasn't had a relationship since he was cursed and he's not going to start now.

***


"It's been great, the help you've given Josh, but you will be moving on after this moon."

Josh is his. Josh is his. Aidan's scent was all over him not even a month ago and if that asshole Jesse could've smelled it, he'd have taken off running.

But he doesn't smell like Aidan anymore. He's got Ray's scent all over him now and it's burning Aidan's nostrils every time he inhales.

It's not right. It's confusing and disorienting because Josh has been Aidan's since the first time they met and fine, okay, whatever, Aidan is possessive but he can't help it that his smell rubs off on Josh or Josh's rubs off on him. It just happens and Aidan has never used that to his advantage before, never tried to stake any kind of claim. Josh can decide for himself who he wants to spend his time with and even when Aidan gets jealous, like with Jesse, he controls himself because he knows Josh is always coming back to him.

But it's different with Ray. With Rebecca. With things fucked up between them. Jesse just wanted some of Josh for himself but Ray? Ray specifically wants to take Josh away from Aidan. It's bad enough he's a bigot, but to try to take Josh? Hell, to half-convince Josh that he wants to go?

Aidan can't stand it and he snaps.

"Your welcome's wearing a bit thin here," he says, because for Josh he will try not to resort to throwing Ray out on his ass.

"Well, maybe Josh might have something different to say about that," Ray says, and Aidan knows that Ray only said it to punch him in the gut.

"Josh will do what's right," he says, because Josh cares about him, because whatever else happened, Josh is still his best friend. He wishes he could say, "Because Josh loves me and needs me the way I need and love him," but he doesn't, because he knows it's not true.

"Who's to say what's right, huh? Some guy who's actually showing him how to survive? How to thrive? Or some…undead thing that lets him tag along like a pet?"

Everything in Aidan feels exposed because somehow this man sees right into Aidan without even trying. It's like he knows Aidan thinks of Josh as his, like Josh could ever belong to anyone. Josh may look like a kicked puppy sometimes, but he's not Aidan's pet. He's Aidan's…something, but he's not that.

"It's only a matter of time before he realizes and sees you for the leech you are."

And that's it. That's fucking it. It's like Ray took a giant hammer and slammed it down on Aidan's raw nerve labeled "JOSH" because everything is too up in the air between them for Aidan to even think about that happening.

"You picked the wrong time to screw with me, Ray," he says, but it takes everything he has not to attack.

Because God so help him, he's not going to knock out the competition to get Josh back. He's not going to be Josh's only option. Because while Aidan wants a lot of things from Josh, the one thing he realizes he doesn't want, no matter how this thing between them began, is pity sex. He's done with the two of them having sex because there's no one else around. If they ever go there again, it's going to be because Josh has decided he really wants Aidan, because Aidan has learned to accept that it will never be desperate and needy like he wants.

So he stands there while Ray smirks at him, knowing he's seen right into Aidan's core and found it detestable. Knowing that Aidan thinks so, too.

***


"Who taught you this crap? Ray?"

Fine, whatever, Josh can't flirt. Big fucking deal. It wasn't a skill he necessarily needed when Aidan wasn't reneging on their agreement every damn night.

"Ray? My friend, Ray? Yeah, he did, he taught me a lot of things."

"What the hell's wrong with you?"

"I don't know. I don't know. Tell you what. Maybe when you're off tonight wherever you've been for the past who knows how many nights, maybe it'll come to you."

Josh spits it out and turns on his heel, too inexplicably angry to speak. This is what Aidan wanted, isn't it? He saw Josh couldn't give what he wanted, so he went elsewhere and obviously found it because he's never home anymore and they haven't had sex since before Josh met Ray. But it's fine because clearly Aidan is happier now that he's got someone who's probably much better in bed and who doesn't obsess about folding their clothes when they get undressed and who doesn't flinch when Aidan cuddles them afterwards so what right does he have to get pissed that Josh has a friend?

Jesus, Aidan is an asshole sometimes.

***


"This life gets bitterly cold. Sometimes, you just need to cling to the person that you can claw your way out of the dark with. Danny and Bridget, they may not be kismet, but we all deserve a shot at a normal life. They do. You do."

"You do."

"Maybe."


It's not until Sally tells him that he deserves to claw his way out of the darkness that Aidan realizes two things. One, he has a really fucked view of life and the reason this is so off between him and Josh is because Josh tries so hard to never fall into the darkness at all because he knows how hard it is to claw his way back out. Aidan's been there for so long that when he saw that one bright spot of light, Josh with his dorky smile and his open heart and no care in the world that Aidan was a vampire, he grabbed on and he's been clinging ever since. It made him want too much from Josh, too fast, to shoehorn Josh into some kind of domestic lovers scenario straight out of the fifties with Josh as the doting housewife. It's horrifying and his acknowledgement of, "Maybe," is maybe the least sincere word he's ever spoken in his life.

Two, he has to earn this thing with Josh if he really wants it. He has to show Josh that he can take it slow and not ask too much of him and let Josh figure this out at his own speed.

He tries one last time with Rebecca, just in case, because he's still not entirely convinced that Josh will ever want him again. But his need for her dies in the alleyway when he sees her lose her mind with rage and everything else goes when he panics in the bathroom, thinking about what Josh would think of him if he could see Aidan now.

Then she leaves and he's torn between worrying about the people she will kill and thinking that it's probably for the best.

***


"What I saw tonight? That look on your face when you were tearing that leech up? There was joy in there. You enjoyed it. Deep, deep down, where the wolf lives, you know it felt good."

Josh wants to throw up. His stomach twists in knots thinking about it, about how it felt to dig his knee into that vampire's stomach, to take out his rage and pain and desire on that man with the belly full of blood.

Mostly he feels ashamed, thinking of what Aidan would've said if he could've seen Josh just then.

And he'd give anything for things to be normal between them, for his biggest problem to be figuring out how Aidan really made him feel.

But it's bigger than that now, there's a schism between them and Josh doesn't know if they can ever bridge it again. They could've before the alleyway but now? Now that he's committed what is essentially a hate crime, now that he let all of that anger and pain bubble up to the surface?

Josh is pretty sure that if Aidan ever decides to speak to him again once he finds out, it certainly won't be to tell Josh he loves him.
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denofiniquity

August 2011

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